I will not write about how I’m suffering from imposter syndrome practically on a daily basis. I will not let you know I have my doubts every day. I will certainly keep it to myself that I’m constantly terrified of that day when all of this will come to an end, and the world will make me realize what a colossal mistake this is and all of what I’ve worked towards will result to nothing. No, I will not admit anything except that this is all true. Nothing like reverse engineering your way to designing your own career. Fear and paranoia has always been my strongest motivators. This is not any different.
I guess that is why when I took the role of a mentor almost a year ago for this amazing platform from Brooklyn, NY, I’ve never felt more like an imposter. I’ve never had a mentor, at least not in the traditional sense. I’ve always wanted one but it just never happened, not for the lack of trying. I wasn’t the easiest student to have. In fact, sitting still and learning things in theory alone is my waterloo. Doing the dirty work, the laborious and the tedious parts of the craft and testing its friction by showing it to actual people is my love language in UX.
I cannot deal with just waiting for the perfect situation simply because it does not exist. In the same way that the idea of a perfect mentor, or the perfect time to be one: it does not exist because at any given time in your life, as a designer specifically, you have something to say. You have something to offer.
You have a story. I’ve been telling this story since my lowly days of being an underdog designer, which was one of the most character-shaping years of my career. If I have any regrets at all, it’s that I never actually took the time to appreciate that part of my story.
I may be a few years too late but this is me making up for lost time. Here’s to the messy, fun, crazy narrative I have yet to write. Unlike my old self, I accept you with all of your flaws, the ugliest parts of you that would make me wish I chose a different path. In fact, I look forward to it. It’s the only real way to test if I’m really meant to do this (and if truthfully, my actions really do match my ambitions).
Honestly, it’s privilege to even make it this far.
Thank you for reading,
Nikki Espartinez